My son came home at seven-days-of age. Fifteen years later, I am still in Nursery Nirvana. From the moment I first held him in my arms, I have felt a deep pride in him and how he came to be my son – and he knows it.
We have always discussed adoption naturally and openly, and with great joy. I call him my Very Special Child and even wrote a book by that title for him. He is giving a copy of it today as a present to a young girl who is also adopted, because he is proud of it and is proud to share his specialness with others.
In discussing your child’s adoption openly, just like you would discuss your child’s birth had you carried him or her, you make it a common every day thing: I have two eyes, two ears, a nose, I’m adopted, I’m a boy, I live in Ohio….no biggy. On the other hand, by hiding it, you make it seem like something to be ashamed of, something to push to the back of the closet, something that you wish had never happened.
More importantly, you are basing your entire relationship on a lie – a lie of omission. How is your child going to trust you in any other area of life if you have deceived them about the very core of your relationship?
I have a cousin who was adopted and his parents never told him. He found out on his own at age fourteen. He ran away from home and refused to speak to his parents. They reconciled, after a fashion, but their relationship was damaged irrevocably. My cousin never trusted his parents again.
I say speak of adoption to your child. Show them the pride you have in choosing them out of all of the other children in the world. Encourage them to adopt when they decide to have children. Tell them openly about waiting for them, praying for them and that glorious moment when you finally got THE call. My son knows the story backwards and forwards and loves to tell it to others. When he speaks of it, his face lights up and he smiles. He even wrote a book about it which is coming out soon. Here is a quote from it which I think clearly makes my case:
From Just Chris by Christopher Shiveley Welch
I am adopted. That feels good. I like being adopted. If it weren’t for my parents, I don’t know what I’d be like. They are here for me. My mom and dad tell me that I am beautiful, so I believe that I am. They tell me I’m a good kid, so I accept that I am. They tell me that I’m loved, so I know that I am.
I have learning differences. Mom says I am not learning disabled, I just learn differently, and that’s okay. I don’t mind having differences. I just want to learn.
Mom says that a child sees themselves in their parent’s eyes. I want to put this poem of my mom’s in here:
I am your mirror. When you look into my eyes,
you see how beautiful you are.
When you enter a room, my heart lifts up to meet you;
a smile of greeting lights me up from within.
I am your mirror. When you look into my eyes,
you see love, as my soul embraces yours,
revealing to you just how wonderful you are:
my friend, my heart, my son.
From “Mirroring” [1]
Mom uses this poem a lot in her interviews. She tells people about adopting special needs kids and that makes me feel good. I know she is so happy that she adopted me and she just wants people to know how it can make them happy too.
[1] Son of My Soul – The Adoption of Christopher, Debra Shiveley Welch, Saga Books, page 118
[...] Debra Shiveley Welch’s Weblog wrote an interesting post today on Should I Tell My Child That He’s Adopted?Here’s a quick excerpt They reconciled, after a fashion, but their relationship was damaged irrevocably…. [...]
This book is ignoring the other side of adoption. It’s not all about being grateful, the happy chosen one, it’s a whole mixed bag.
You do realize that being adopted means you lose an entire family too.
I am not saying that you have to only focus on the loss, that’s not balanced, but treating it like it’s nothing doesn’t seem right to me.
I have read on a lot of adoptee blogs that they found it insulting that them losing their mothers was seen as something to celebrate.
I’m not sure how to approach the poem and not seem mean but mirror makes me think – genetic mirror – makes me think that this whole post wants to pretend that we – the original mothers never existed.
Might I suggest that you re-read this blog? It is soley about telling your child the truth. If you had read my book “A Very Special Child,” you would see that the first mother, birth mother, whichever you prefer, is not only mentioned, but honored.
This blog does not address the loss of a family. It addresses telling your child the truth and not hiding that other family.
As for the poem, why don’t you google “mirroring?” You will find that it is a term used in all relationships. It simply states that a person sees themself reflected in another person’s eyes.
You’re walking down the street and you see an old friend. You call out their name. They turn, recognize you, and in that split second you are either happy you called out or sorry. That is mirroring.
You come down stairs in a new outfit. You look for the reaction of your husband, boy friend, friend. That look on their face the instant they see you, will tell you whether you look beautiful…or not. That is mirroring.
Finally, I honor the woman who gave birth to my son. She was a woman of much courage and fortitude. We speak of her often and I have told my son everything I know about her. If he wants to find her, I will help him. If she does not wish to be found, I will protect her.
So, Please don’t read things into this blog that don’t exist. It’s simply about honesty.
Hi,
I agree, it is good to know.
I have a friend who gave up a child for adoption while under 16. She always wondered how her little girl was doing. One day she got a surprise call from her daughter, and they got to meet. They had a wonderful time and found that they had much in common. Her daughter had been raised well, and was married with 2 children. So my friend found out she was a grandmother.
So they decided to spend a couple weeks together at each others homes. Not such smooth sailing. I believe that they had each built up a fantasy about the other, and as none of us are perfect, those imperfections came out. Takes time to know each other. Does not replace love of family who raised her. Adopted one is still very close to them, as it should be.
Worked better when they saw each other as friends, instead of mother/daughter relationship.
Debra,
I loved your book, and love your perspective on adoption. You write from your personal experience in such an artful and beautiful way. Thank you for baring your soul and sharing your heart.
Claudia
As a mixed blood Native American woman, I come from a culture that celebrates adoption.
We do not view adoption as someone loosing a family, but rather the oposite. We are ADDING a new member to one’s family, and to us at least, this is a cause for celebration.
We have the tradition of Hunkgapi, or “Making of Relatives”. We make someone a relative-by-choice usually because we feel that the person we are adopting is already a part of our family, and we are merely formalizing said relationship, as in the case of my “sisters” and myself.
In the old days, someone would be adopted perhaps because this person has a special skill set that is useful to our family, or perhaps it is for political reasons, or whatever.
We still honor that person by wrapping them in a Star Quilt, and tying an Eagle plume in to their hair. We have special songs, and prayers that are used for Hunkgapi only, and we celebrate our happiness by having a Wopila, or Give-Away ceremony in the name of the person’s “other” family, or in the name of the adoptee.
Does the adoptee’s “other” family cease to exist? Does the adoptee forget all about them? Do they become barely remembered dreams?
Nope. They are included in the celebration as well, and are called “Relative” along with the adoptee.
From what I have seen over the years, I personally feel that the vast majority of people view adoption as something shamefull, and that the adoptee should forget their “other”family, but I do not see this is Debra’s book.
Instead I see a celebration on a par with my culture’s ceremonies, and celebrations of adoption.
It is refreshing to see a mother and child who openly celebrate their unique family, and a family who is open with each other about who and where they came from.
What I’m wondering is whether I should tell my parents I have adopted them. I think they might be crushed.
I’d be happy to read your book if you want to send me a copy.
How wonderful that you honour his first mother, although it sounds like she has been honoured from a great distance?
Thanks for explaining what you meant in the poem and what your blog is about, I appreciate you taking the time to do that. Mostly if I don’t agree with something I just get an angry response.
Your son sounds lovely.
Well, you were respectful, and I appreciate that.
When Chris was born his first mother said she not only wanted it to be a closed-door adoption, but she wanted the door nailed shut. That’s why I said I woud protect her. She can “knock” on Chris’ door, but he has to open it. He, however, can open the door. I would want to make sure that she wanted it first and would strongly advise him to respect her wishes.
I think it’s what she needed to do to be able to give him up.
She carried him through great adversity. It would have been easier to have him aborted, but she didn’t, so Chris knows that he is doubly loved.
He is a wonderful person! Such a blessing in my life!
In response to what ‘reuniuonwritings’ wrote:
I don’t read anything into this other than that it is in the best interest of children to know their story and hear it in an open, honest, loving way. I don’t think anything is trying to be taken away from the birth parents. If anything, telling your child their history and adoption story is giving more credit and respect to the birth parent (as opposed to not sharing their story).
I don’t think anyone can challenge a 15 year old adoptee’s opinion of his adoption though. If he knows he’s adopted, is in touch with the feelings and all that encompasses that and is happy with it, what is there to be sad about? I don’t think by being happy with your (adoptive) parent(s) that you are denying the wonderful gift of life and opportunity given to you by your birth parent. But I don’t think it’s necessary to grieve that. I think you can celebrate that life and choice made by your bio parent and look at it as a beautiful gift of love.
I took a lot of coursework in college that delved into topics such as interpersonal communication and one of the most important aspects was nonverbal communication. This includes mirroring which is more about the way you interact with people in positive or negative ways (hard to explain in a couple words — probably not the best description) and has nothing to do with genetics. I don’t think most adoptive parents are hoping to pretend they are genetically connected to their kids…just connected in their desire to parent, love, and nurture their kids.
Trust me, as an adoptive parent I celebrate my kids’ birth mother (I know nothing of their father unfortunately). They are too young to understand that, but when they are old enough…she will be spoken of in our house with love, respect, and admiration. She wanted her kids/our kids to have a life she couldn’t provide and I think that is beautiful and unselfish and I think she’s amazing. I have never met her (and probably never will), but she is a huge part of our lives and we are so thankful for her every day. And I don’t think my kids should be “grateful” to me or my husband for adopting them. We are grateful to have them as our kids.
Heather, I agree. I don’t want gratitude from my son. I am grateful for the honor.
One great thing about adoption too is that I can brag all I want! LOL I just say, “Hey, I don’t take credit! But it’s there.” Kind of gives me carte blanche.
I have no experience with adoption, so I don’t feel I can comment on the subject.
However, I just wanted to say that you have graciously opened up a forum on an important subject and the comments prove that blogs are a powerful platform for good discussions and exchange of views.
I am impressed by the great amount of thought you, Debra, and your visitors have expressed.
I was especially taken with and informed by Spotted Eagle Woman’s post and I thank her for sharing the cultural views of her people. What a truly loving, giving and spiritual approach to the extended family and community.
Christopher is a very mature and thoughtful young man, you are blessed and so is he.
Terri, aka PopArtDiva, The Martini Diva, The DIVA of TINY FOODS ,The Normal Challenged Artist, The DIVA of DIVAVILLE, PopArtDiva – Life is Like Art
Like Heidi, I have a friend who had her baby adopted out when she was barely 16 years old. For 34 years she did nothing but did wonder occasionally how he was. When she turned 50 something inside her wanted to know how he was and where he was. She had shifted countries during that time so had to get an agency to search and locate him, and get permission for the contact to be made. Turned out he’d tried to find her a couple of years earlier but without success.
All excitement, nervousness and relief when they first met but some months down the track she’s found she doesn’t like the type of person he’s become. He has, however, got children and she’s keen to get to know her grandchildren – especially the boy who has been mistreated.
Her son was given to a lovely family and home but he rebelled as a teenager and ran wild – whether that’s because he knew his birth mother gave him up, I don’t know, but it sounds like that might have been the case. Such a shame that he’s allowed his life to go awry because of that. His adoptive parents are really lovely people I hear.
Debra, you are so blessed that Chris loves you as he does.
You know, it’s so easy to ‘read into things’, or as they say, ‘between the lines’…I cannot help but feel that the earlier post from reunionwritings, was carrying some sad personal pain?? For whatever her reason for responding the way she first did, I hope she has a clearer understanding now, for this story is nothing but one woman, one son. Both openly sharing THEIR experience through adoption. How can anyone see it any other way?
Chris shines right off the pages as he speaks to us of his mutual love and pride…I am a birth-mother, and I have lost a birth-child, no, not through adoption but lost her none the less…and as a mother, who has read the open and heartfelt words of the story , “Son of My Soul”, I can’t help but cry…my tears though are of every emotion. Just as the book, this blog shares an incredible journey for two souls…the role of the birth mother is not the scene here, that was what brought these two individuals to become, mother and son! This is about THEM…let us celebrate their amazing bond and not ever forget that adoption has many faces! This is just one…..God bless both mother and child in this scenario, for they show the face of triumph!
Terri, Spotted Eagle Horse aka Spotted Eagle Woman, is my sister. When she speaks of Hunkapi and the Wopila, I know exactly what she means because she and I and Chris went through it together. Spotted Eagle Woman adopted me and through me, Chris. So she is my sister and is Chris’ mother or Ina. The Lakota Sioux recognize aunts and uncles as parents.
In addition, her son became my son and Chris’ brother.
It was a glorious three days which is recounted in detail in my book “Son of My Soul – The Adoption of Christopher.”
Kthie, sometimes people just turn out a certain way. As for his first mother relinquishing him, I guess a lot of that would have to be dependent on how it was explained to him.
Chris knows that he was carried and delivered in complete secrecy. And since Chris and I talk about everything, he also knows that she could have taken the easy route and aborted him. But she didn’t. So from the very beginning, Chris knows that he was protected and carried to full term by a young girl with more courage than I can imagine. What if she’d been found out? I’m sure she carried that fear with her as well as the baby.
When Chris was born with cleft lip and palate, six couples turned him down. Did she abondon him, just walk away and say, “Too bad.” No she did not. Even though she had signed him over to the attorney who was handling the adoption and could have walked away with no troubles, she did not. She stood by her child until our attorney sent a prayer up begging God for parents for this beautiful baby boy — and our names came immediately to his mind. Chris was headed for foster care because he had been in the hospital so long, but as I state in my book, the social worker was sent “empty away.” Chris came home at seven-days-old.
Chris knows all of this and has even written about it in his book. He knows that he was protected and loved from the very beginning and that his first mother’s love was so great that she risked discovery and stood by him until he found a home.
So, Chris doesn’t look at it like he was given up. He sees it as being protected until a family who could take care of him was found.
I also made it very clear, by the way, that she did not know that he was cleft-affected and it had absolutely nothing to do with his being adopted. It was merely God’s way of making sure that he came to us.
Debbie, thank you. It has been an incredible journey which I would gladly take again!
Rock on sister-friend
!
{{{hugs}}}
Hafapea
Debra,
Thanks for sharing your blog postings:) I always enjoy your wonderful descriptions of your son, Christopher, and the love and joy you give in your day to day life.
I also appreciate the fact that you are so thoughtful…you take the time to see all sides of a situation and bravely speak accodingly.
Thank you for being you. I will be back to share in your blog often.
Susan
http://www.organicsyes.wordpress.com
Debra,
You and Chris have an awesome testimony. I hope you both share your stories through crisis pregnancy centers. CPCs help those of us who find ourselves pregnant without any hope and they give us hope.
Right now I’m in the middle of my story. When I was 18 I gave up a beautiful girl for adoption. At the time it was the only way I could handle things. I gave my daughter up because I loved her and wanted the best for her. It wasn’t her fault I was selfish and didn’t wait until I had married the man the Lord had picked out for me. She should have both a Mom and a Dad.
Well about a month ago I found my daughter. Praise the Lord everything I had prayed for and more has been my daughter’s life.
I say I’m in the middle of the story because we haven’t talked yet. But she knows how to get in touch if she so desires. If more my our story unfolds, I believe we will be a great inspiration for all unwed Mothers.
The adoptive parents are awesome. I can’t say enough about how they’ve raised the love of my life.
I’m praying for the day when the adoptive Mother, my daughter, and I can all sit around the living room and share our experiences. I know the Lord has had His hand in everything thing. It’s a fantastic story waiting to unfold the rest of the way.
The Lakota Sioux way is a beautiful way to look at families. I know in my family we tease each other by saying you can’t pick your family but you can your friends. Well now I know I can pick my family too.
Debra, thanks for sharing your story openly. I believe a lot of healing will happen with others as they read this blog and your books. Keep up the good work.
Michelle Rothwell, Founder
Dora & Diego Homeschool Spanish
and
Bookworms United
Hi Debra, I adore your story of Christopher’s adoption.
Just a comment from someone on Christopher’s end of things:
As you know, Debra, I was adopted at a very young age (3 months). I was fortunate to be adopted into a home of 2 loving parents and a wonderful (also adopted) older brother. My parents always spoke of our adoption openly and frankly.
My natural mother became pregnant at a very early age, she would not be able to care for me (financially) and she hid her pregnancy from her family. In fact, she was also under the influence of drugs and alcohol… so much so that she does not have any recollection of my birth and adoption. But, don’t worry, there is no doubt that she is my birth mother and I am her daughter.
Some years ago, I had the great fortune of looking for and meeting my natural mother. It turned out to be an amazing, life fulfilling experience. I wanted nothing more from our relationship than to see her in person… if I could speak with her and learn about my ‘family’, that would be an added bonus. Fortunately, I got the bonus and have learned much of our ‘family’ and formed a friendship with my natural mom.
To this day we write occasionally, but there are no true ties between us. I respect her for, what I consider doing the right thing, giving me up to a family which could take care of me in a manner which she could not. It takes a big person to give up their own flesh and blood and I will never lose sight of that. I am just saddened that, for various reasons, many people who were adopted and would like to search for their natural family are unable to do so.
-Holly
My oldest brother and his wife weren’t able t to have children of their own. They were so thrilled to adopt a new baby. Amazingly they were able to adopt a second infant a couple years later.
They were so thankful for their children, that they wanted to pay back their gifts. They provided a home for young mothers waiting to give birth. Why families would kick their young daughters out because of pregnancy is beyond me. They also took in foster children.
Two brother/sister sets were in and out of their home often. After a few years of this, both sets of parents decided that they weren’t cleaning up their act soon enough and that their children were better off in a stable home. All 4 foster children were adopted at much the same time a year ago.
Six adopted children!
ABSOLUTELY the child should be told he/she is adopted. Why? Because it is the truth. Why? Because being adopted is a good thing. Why? Because to lie about something so fundamental is to make you, the parent, a liar from the get go . . . a real shaky foundation . . . how can the child believe ANYthing you say when you’ve lied from the very beginning. How can he/she take pride in your relationship when you make it as a thing of shame.
AND because you’d be concealing (for what reason?) the great, great, boundless joy you felt at receiving this gift of a life.
Dear Debra,
I agree about being told.
When I was six years old I found out that my father was not my biological father. My mom and he got married when I was 18 months old and he adopted me shortly therafter.
I have always been mature beyond my years and even at six remember the day I found out. It was devestating. I found out because he and my mom were getting a divorce and he took my brother (kidnapped is more like it). I remember asking my mom why he took my brother and not me. That’s when she told me. I didn’t fully understand the concept of adoption, but I understood that I was differerent.
Had they told me together when I was younger I may not have understood, but it may have made this situation easier to bear.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is truly beautiful, as are you!
Warmest regards,
Heidi